Time to Process....

I've had time to process it. Since last week Wednesday when a chapter closed in my photography career, I have had time to process it. To let the cards fall, emails be sent, phone calls made. And if it hasn't been enough time- then too bad. My piece must be shared. My mind has run away on me and my anger flares like a simmering volcano threatening extinction to all that surrounds me. I am still embarrassed. I am still hurt. I am still beyond words furious.

As much as I'd like to think the adult in me should be relieved that a burden of stress and chaos for six months out of the year has been eliminated- the fitful child wants to kick and scream at the top of her lungs "It's not fair!" or "But it wasn't my goddamn fault!" or "But I still had so much fun!!!"

Because of irresponsible people. No- scratch that- because of persons I thought were friends, people I looked up to as mentors almost- I huge part of my life has been taken away. I have been stripped of my staff title, my modeling program I have worked on so very hard for the last three years- the last vote of confidence I had from a beloved friend and mentor is now gone. Eliminated. Poof- with the strike of a pen, the clicking of "send" in an email, and a handshake with the promised venue- my duties as Model Coordinator are gone. Simple as that. My teaching there? My next level in my photography career there at the conference- yeah, that's gone too. I'm not "experienced enough"- which let's be real, means I don't have a degree in photography from some crusty dusty college and therefore am not worth shit to anyone. F**k- and still tears collect in my eyes. Dammit!

Over a cup of coffee (actually I had a huge Redbull smoothie) where I sat hopefully getting my turn to talk about the three pages of ideas I had written in my notebook for next year's event I was told there was no longer a need for me on staff. That the Model Program has been eliminated because a shoot that was never supposed to happen, much less been known about- was indeed found out by security. A shoot I wasn't even at, because I was gone having dinner and drinking with amazing friends I only really got to spend time with that one weekend in July.

It's all gone. And it sucks. I know- "It sucks" seems rather lackluster and far from poetic but, dammit, its the cold hard truth. Like I said. I am pissed off. Actually flat out f**king furious, betrayed, hurt, disappointed... the list goes on and on and I'm sure ya'll have the same thesaurus I do.

But- it's change. Change can be a ragged bitch that slaps you in the face when you least expect it. And I had hopes that 2016 would go out on some version of a high note. And it still kind of is- all be it muffled by the rushing sound of my blood pressure in my ears and the thundering sound of what little self confidence I had somehow built up over the past year crashing down around me.

So- here's the thing. I'm going to do better. I'm going to get my photo studio back. And I'm going to teach there. F**k, I'm going to teach somewhere. Maybe to deaf, mute, blind photographers in a ramshackle hall somewhere in BFE- but dammit I'm going to teach. And I'm going to become better. I will learn new techniques, I will take better photographs, I will get published- and a year from now, two years from now, hell- five years from now... I'm going to be better because of this bullshit. And by some fluke, by some lucky chance I will be too busy for them if things change. I won't have time for them and their conference. Who knows? Yes, I am bitter right now. Bite into a piece of lemon dipped in battery acid and you might start getting the idea of how bitter I actually am.

I have made wonderful, powerful friends that I wouldn't trade the world for because of that event. I have amazing funny memories enough to make me smile when I am stupid low and crying on the kitchen floor. I learned a lot. I gained experience. And most recently- realized I am apparently the best f**king scapegoat around. I will heal. I will get past this. And you know what else? This craptastic situation I am smack in the middle of- is the fuel. This is the gasoline some dumbass unknowingly poured on my smoldering ambition....


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