Plugged Toilet Offers Clarity to Bigger Problems

Hard times hit hard- they knock the wind right out of your lungs and make you stumble. You can wobble on your feet, fall down flat on your ass, and be paranoid of what happens next. Be paranoid that something bad is going to happen again and almost live in constant fear... I know. I have been, probably longer then I'd like to admit. Since my old family home burned down two years ago- we haven't' had a fire in our fireplace- our perfectly fine (most likely) fireplace. For the last three months- I have been in a constant state of fear an paranoia. If the fridge or my hubby's truck (that I am now driving) makes a funny noise- it's frantic phone calls and text messages to those people in my life more knowledgeable. The toilet didn't flush properly all Sunday and then again on Monday morning it barely flushed at all- I practically passed out. I balanced the checkbook, checked the calendar, held my breath, and damn near scheduled a septic tank draining- I almost spent $400 on what took two minutes, some curse words, and a plunger to fix!

Paranoia makes little things huge in your brain- making you worry about the catastrophe that'll cost thousands when a $10 fix works just fine. My hair is still breaking and falling out and I twitch at loud noises. I wake up having damn near panic attacks in the middle of the night... I am a wreck because hard times have been hitting... over and over again- one thing after another to the point of me being scared shitless that if I have a good day- something horrible will happen tomorrow. Maybe- maybe not, that's life right? However- you can imagine what it's like when you cant get your brain to calm down, take a breath, and figuring things out instead of jumping to the worst possible conclusion.

Our toilet was plugged. Six extra people using up four rolls of toilet paper in two days- yeah no kidding! But did my brain say "Hey, use the plunger first- see if that cures it?" Nope. Brain went to "Okay, lets call the septic people, get a quote, get their availability for service. Plan on digging out the tank lids tonight..." It was plugged- that's it! It wasn't a complete septic failure! There wasn't poop water running into the basement and across the yard! Old faithful was just plugged up with a huge amount of used ass-tickets and needed a plunger! A stopped up toilet has brought
 my paranoia into focus. Hard times hit hard- no doubt. But dammit- I need to stop being scared, strap on my brass knuckles, and start punching that bitch back!

Let's play a game of Con vs. Pro with these hard times that have broken my brain...
My mentor passed away... It still hurts that I cannot e-mail him for advice. It hurts that I don't get his smartass remarks in my blog comments section. But I can see all that he's taught me in a brighter light and I smile each time I use something he taught me.
My photo studio closed... I saved gas not driving there every two weeks to clean or paint. Bigger bonus- I got completely caught up on all my photo editing. Not to mention the very real possibility that it will be reopening soon and I will have an indoor home for my photography once again!!
Furnace died (a couple times)... Got it fixed and it didn't cost as much as a new furnace would have!
Laundry Dryer died... We saved energy by doing the laundry drying outside, but when it turned colder, it got a little more complicated- I
d have to wash clothes then dry them in the basement one load at a time on drying rack in front of the pellet stove. But, then SD Mom came out for Christmas and bought us a new dryer!! Which is awesome!
My truck was pronounced dead... this hurt a lot!!! It brought to the forefront money issues and a lack there of. I'll be honest- I was stupid paranoid to drive her long distances and the decision to not do the $3500 of repairs on a truck not really worth that much had to be made. I ended up selling her for $150 to be parted out (the parts that still worked) since at a scrap yard she would have gotten me $60. But I have Hubby's Liberty now and he has a vehicle borrowed from work. We've discussed what we'd be looking for in a new car for him and have a game plan of sorts. Libby's a great truck with a lot of miles on her- and after a few repairs here and there, she'll still be a great set of wheels that I get to move around in. I do freak out when she makes a weird noise of pukes all her coolant in the parking lot at work (kinda fixed, more permanent fix is pending of course). And sure, she drips oil once and while, but she's still great, still starts, and all the wheel turn the way they should.

I'm going to attempt to count my blessings right now... Forcing my brain to see the positive even more- I am married to my best friend, my hero. We've had more ups then downs. He calls me beautiful like it's my given name. I get to wake up next to him and fall asleep next to him. He inspires me, supports me, deals with my OCD's and broken brain... He loves me! And I love him- no matter what! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge and cabinets, water in the pipes, a toilet that flushes, heat in the winter, and windows that open in the summer. Hubby and I both have jobs- not perfect ones by any means, but money comes in and the bills are getting paid. We have it better then a lot of people do and that perspective has to be held onto.

Now. Here's where shit's gonna get real! This is the part where I hold other's accountable. All those people that I have been there for, that I have helped be it making them feel good about themselves with a photograph or the tangible stuff. If you've stayed in my house, slept on my couch a couple nights, if I've been there to feed you, cloth you, let you cry on my shoulder, or simply gave you a place to hide for a while... Now's the time where I need you. I need you to help me. I don't ask for that word a lot, but I need it now. Help with these following goals...

1.Art equals Money- I need to make my camera, my doodles, my paintings, my cement sculptures make me money! If not for the future car payments when we get a vehicle for Hubby- then for the fact that we are running out of room in the house! Help me make money with my creative talents!

2. Help my build my photography business! Pimp me out! Push me out of this "I'm not good enough" slump that I am stuck in. Share the hell outta my website and my Facebook pages!! Links below.

3. Make me get back to my yoga mat every damn day! Might even help with the anxiety...

4. Help me kick the cigs already. They are my crutch, my vice- and I have significantly cut down... But lets kick them for good, huh?? If I can kick the habit for two months- I'm gonna get inked!!!

5. This one may be more personal motivation, but needs to be said- I need to get control of my anxiety/paranoia. As soon as I can get a sensible answer from Google searches, I will be hitting the local herbal store for some remedies. If I am hanging with any of you and I start winding up- slap me. Punch me. Tell me to chill... Or talk it out with me and help me calm down and see that things aren't really as bad as my brain says.

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