Stormy Mind, Quiet House...


"The house is too quiet tonight. Even though the TV's on, and the dryer hums in the basement below my feet- the grand father clocks dolls out the time in the living room and at last count it's too early to go to bed. The humidity outside is climbing as another wave of rain drags across the lake, according to the radar. I wander aimlessly around the basement while smoking my cigarette, looking at the cluttered work bench. Too afraid to go outside and smoke, for fear of the stray orange tiger kitten will happily bounce up to my feet mewing and tugging at my overstretched heartstrings. It's sick, and covered in fleas, and a danger to let in the house to my own girl cats, yet all I want is to cuddle it, make it feel better, and a little less alone...

...today, in spite of my best efforts to make it better has been crap, topped with crap, chased by crap and leaving me feel like at any moment I could burst into tears. The uncertainty of what's wrong with my broken truck, abandoned by a tow truck at a friend's house- with no hopes of it getting fixed this week, much less how much it will cost to do so has left me feeling guilty over quitting my crap cashier job at dollar-hell, given it was a steady paycheck however badly it was destroying me inside. The nagging uncertainty of  "Do I have the new job?" "Do I not have the new job?" is leaving me aggravated. I like to schedule things in advance, but if I have the new job, when will I work? What would be my schedule? I don't dare make any bookings sooner then the 19th- he schedules 2 weeks out...

...I blame the cloudy gray skies, the cold end of July... Neither are helping my mood right now. Hubby leaves on Sunday for a great opportunity- to work alongside someone he calls a hero. But right now, the idea of him being gone for five days really sucks, makes me sad, make tears well up in my eyes and all I want to do right now is beg him not to go- but that isn't fair at all. Who am I to take away this chance for him to have fun and help in a good cause?? I'm no one. I am the wife that supports him in everything he does and loves him for it- so I have no right. That isn't supportive- it's stupid. My stupid "girl" emotions are strung out and hyper sensitive, again. I'm just the lonely, sad woman- pissed that her truck is broke again, wishing she was better at things...

...wishing that somehow, fate would smile down on me and let me go out and have fun. Tried that today- my truck broke- guess that's an omen if ever there was one. I guess I wasn't meant to leave the four walls and 2.5 acres of yard (the rest of our parcel of country is planted sorghum field- not much to explore). I look out the kitchen windows to see the new owner of the home I grew up in moving his crap inside. He's an asshole. He's the asshole victim to the circumstance that that's where I grew up- that's where mom and dad should still be- and that the shop should still be open and that I wouldn't be looking for another job!!

...I need counseling. Or a drink. Or both. I'm deep into the rabbit hole of sad and lonely. I think I will go feed the piggies (least they need me) and then go hide under the covers in bed until my alarm goes off tomorrow morning to go clean and paint at the studio. For a brief few hours, I will have a purpose. At the end of that, who knows... Hopefully quality time with Hubby...

...then for a few brief moments my questions about my truck have been answered- it'll be a really expensive camshaft replacement or a really cheap camshaft rotor... Fingers crossed, knocking on wood...

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