In Between...

I have been fighting this internal war as of late, that I am in between so many things for so long that I don't know which direction I am headed in. Every time I want to sit down and write on the long forgotten (it seems) novels that I find something else to do, like photo editing. I love my photography right now, it makes me happy. I am great at it, but I once consider myself a writer and nothing else. Now it seems I'm a photographer without the writer.

I feel as though my attempts in bettering my life thru yoga saps too much time from my photography and what little time is left over from my writing, yet it's helping me lose weight and become a better person. I love being the natural blonde that I am, but lately all I've wanted is to dye my hair pink (I've gotten permission from my boss at work to do so) yet when I went to the store this morning in a- I hate my hair mood- I walked out sans dye or even a new shampoo, opting for a breakfast from McD's rather then hair color.

I have a paying job- which is slowly growing on me, but the drama involved that I have been put to task cleaning up, is sucking ounces of my soul away with each tiny 4 hours shift. I shouldn't have to go in four hours early (but getting paid overtime for it is nice) just to make sure fellow co-worker's fiance doesn't come in and cause a fuss. He did Sunday, while I wasn't at work. Beat the living shit out of her, threw her against a wall in a choke hold while another "afraid to cause drama" co-worker called a manager not the cops. By the way- why in the F*** did none of the eight customers, three at the register at the time where this happened, why did not a damn one call 9-1-1??  How can you call yourself a decent human being by watching this unfold and do NOTHING!?!?

This job is showing me the maddening, disgusting side of humanity and I honestly feel like at some point it will corrupt me. Sweet looking, Avon perfumed, little old ladies that remind me of my passed on grandmother calling me a "F***ing bitch" because their greeting card rang up for 1.06 instead of .53 because they couldn't read the sign. Other elderly folks telling me I am useless and should find a better job because it took me more then five minutes to ring up a line ten geriatrics deep. Old ladies calling me stupid because I said, "$18.50 out of $50?" verifying they meant to hand me a $50, not a $20 because old people fumble with monetary bills. "That's what it looks like, isn't it? Can't you count?" I realize people have shitty days, but at some point I will stop them from taking it out on me by calling out their bullshit demeanor.

I shouldn't complain- I have a job. More then most can say. But the hours are hardly enough to pay for my gas to get there, and when I do get scheduled a larger amount of hours, it tears away what small amount of time I have with my husband, only to have another co-worker pitch a fit that the new girl is getting too many hours and thus I lose them again. But, I am getting a paycheck and hopefully something better will come along down the pipe. A good job that I thought I had the chance of getting months ago, slipped away because the "2nd Level Boss" decided that since he and I have had our disagreements in the past, he didn't deem me professional enough to work for that company. Well- I guess if calling him out of how tacky it is for him to cheat on his wife (years ago), pin me for the fall guy for company gossip (years ago), and not hiding the fact I think he doesn't deserve the title of human being- maybe it's better I don't work for a guy like that. But then again- jokes on him. I remain ever the professional in dealing with the aforementioned old biddy bitches I deal with on a daily basis at my job now. He's just an idiot for so many reasons.

Trying to not let things get to me is becoming more and more of a challenge. Those customers don't know me. They think I am the piss ant that must cater to them, and them feel better about themselves by trying to make me feel like shit. After a very long, rough shift Friday- the last time I had to go in four hours early to play bodyguard- I came home to find my Hubby had made me a lovely large cocktail to help me relax enough to hopefully sleep (my first full nights rest in god knows how long). All the next day I felt guilty at the fact I had to have a cocktail after work because I was so stressed out from a job as a cashier! WTF?

So- I am crossing my fingers, crossing my toes, and praying to whomever might be listening to help me find a better job or maybe, just maybe a couple really nice paid photo gigs... Until then... Back for photo editing, writing procrastination, and counting the hours of freedom I have left before my next shift at the store.


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