Gray and Numb...

I kinda feel like this, actually. One stationary main part with millions of branches sprouting and shooting off into different directions- yet... Yet, hear I sit, listening to the plastic wrapped window breath with the gusts of gray mist filled freezing wind.

I shot myself in the foot today with the discovery of my photo shop program doing what I want, where I want, and how I want in big multi picture batches. And blammo- a few simple keystrokes turned four hours of photo editing into ten minutes of watching the computer do it to perfection for me. Damn. Well- good news- I am completely caught up with photos. Bad news- I'm staring out the window at the dank dreariness of a gray December day. Blah...

Third blog of the week- odd right? Well, in no uncertain terms, I was told yesterday by Globug that I haven't been blogging a lot lately. "How else are you venting if not by blog?" she asks. I think I've become numb to a certain situation that would cause me to vent. Why hold onto all that rage and anger about a situation on my life that will not change. Least not in the near future a few select people would love so greatly. While I am still pissed about what is going on- it isn't fair to Hubby for me to linger on it- save for when the complete bullshit problem surfaces time and again.

I absolutely hate what is going on. I truly do. One highly ignorant person is causing such total anger for other's then me and as much as we all would like this issue to resolve itself- it won't. And that sucks. I have completely surrendered to the fact that my Hubby is on call the 23rd, 24th, and 25th. Yes- Christmas weekend. We will not be going out and buying a Christmas tree because of this. Instead we decorated a house plant/tree with lights and small ornaments. We hung our stockings on a curtain rod. I will honestly be lucky to have him home long enough to celebrate the holiday with my family. I don't plan on him being home on Christmas Eve. I don't expect him to be home on Christmas Day. It's amazing to me he was granted enough time to spend a day with his family that will be in town on the 26th.

Does this suck? Yes. Outside of not having any snow outside, coming home to a decorated houseplant in the living room and not a beautifully, allergy inducing variation of pine- really sucks. But what would be the point of spending the money on a real tree, that will drop needles and make a mess anyhow- when Hubby won't and hasn't been home enough to enjoy it? Shit happens. There will be Christmas next year and we will get a real tree then. I don't need to be told how depressing it is to have to plan on my husband not being home for that one weekend filled with sentimental value. We have no children, unfortunately cats dogs and guinea pigs don't count to most people, and that puts us in the minority at his company. Those with children get higher regards when it comes to getting to spend the holidays with their families. In spite of the amount one stands to make in overtime/holiday pay this coming time- there will be a sick call or a "I don't feel like working" call in and off Hubby will go. Hubby just got his 15 year pin, and yes, I know it is sickening to that he doesn't get the respect he deserves due to time in at one place. You can put money down that he won't be there to get a 20 year pin.

But why continue to be mad about it? Why? What's the use? If I open my mouth, he'll get fired. Just because he cannot and will not control me. Would I like to? Hells yes!! I would love to stand up in the face of the two select assholes and let them have it for a good three hours or until I loose my voice or get the cops called on me. I'm sure I would certainly feel better afterwards, being handcuffed in the backseat of a cruiser and smiling like an idiot. But where would it get me? I've dealt with this shit before. Being powerless to stop the crap going on against me and my husband, yet being held to blame for it. I did take care of it then. A face to face with a person in management, telling him to get his house under control or I will sue it into submission with the power of my lawyer. That cooled it. Handled. A year later- the worhtless bitches to blame for my misery had been fired.

But how do I do that this time? Yes, I do have back up by way of the other jilted supervisor's wife in my corner, but who do we go to? The CEO? The CFO? The board of directors? Because going to the next one down on the totem pole- the first of two parties instigating the crap right now- won't do a damn bit of good. That's like driving 85 miles an hour down an icy country road and trying to sue the road commission for your spinning out and totaling your car. Pointless! Fucking pointless.

So instead of being constantly, gut churning pissed off- I am numb. It's safer. That's why I refused to socialize anywhere near the hierarchy at the Christmas party- instead I socialized in the safety of dispatch. I had one drink to loosen the noose of anger long enough to smile once or twice. I chose to ignore the pissy looks from one certain person that doesn't agree with how I feel about her husband. And I completely blew off any attempted nicey-nice from a member of management because it sickened me to even humor him with a smile. And I will not lie- the fact that greasy pizza served on paper plates instead of catered prime rib- damn near defined what's been going on in the company to those not priveleged enough to see it for themselves make me almost burst at the seams with evil laughter and giggles.

In the end- karma will get what she wants. And I will be standing there with the tap to a keg of "I fucking told you so" when she finally gets her way. Until then, aside from snippet rants here and there when my nipple gets twisted just so, I will be numb.


  1. I am with you on all of this!
    From the other 15yr pin!


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