In 3 Words- Ugly, D-bag, & Allergic
Demo topic 1: The Ugly Bus.
There should have been one, parked outside, in front, in a handicapped parking space. Oh My God! I don’t know if it is the promise of freebies (pens, magnets, tee shirts) or if it was simply the chance to get out and shock people, but gees- there are a lot of fugly people in this world! There really are!!! Apparently most of them live around a small riverside village in mid-eastern Kent County. The teenagers there really need to pick out one shock value style and stick with it. Colored hair, satin pirate shirts, shredded butt showing jeans, and high heels- not such a good look. Others chose to wear their finest car wash rags (Ha! Like they wash their cars!) along with jeans to the event yesterday.
One man (I think) in particular struck me in such a way I didn’t know if I should puke, laugh, or simply be in awe of him. He was wearing a “Back to the Future” ball cap with matching dirty tee shirt, a floor length trench coat that should have been burned years ago, more bling in his ears them most women I know (including sun and moon dangles), and the necklaces… A “DMC”- think Dalorian car from the aforementioned movie- car emblem hanging from dog chains, bling chains in both gold and silver, and what else… God I don’t know, but there was his scent. That of hot motor oil, road kill, and the need of a bath about six months ago, mixed with a fine base of stale cigarette smoke. Ugh…
Demo topic 2: Radio DJ’s are Assholes!
And when they sound sexy on air- they ain’t in person. Just because you are the afternoon drive guy at the local country tunes (rhymes with Bee, seven less then a 100) station for the last ten years, does not mean you have the right to act like Madonna- stating you haven’t got enough room to set up for your thing. You were giving away concert tickets, not a fucking Buick! How do you think we felt, being pinned in by not only the youth fair set up stand (mine is bigger then yours) and a F*ing horse in a paddock. Live horse people. Live, eating, peeing and pooping horse! Inside a gym! WTF!!! Let’s put the ambulance agency between the youth fair and a horse… that’s great planning… Anyhoo- I digress.
You sir- Conrad- (his radio name BTW, I’m not about to shield him from this rant)- are a rude, ill mannered jerk that treats his promotion staff like shit, makes everyone fawn over you like some “celebrity” status you think you hold. Hello! News anchors have more pull power then you! When the cute redhead next to you blows you off not once, not twice, but five times- get a F*ing clue! While I admit, my boobs looked fabulous in the shirt I wore yesterday- look once, appreciate them and move along. Staring at them, trying to get a better angle for a perhaps nipple slip- NOT COOL!!! I am married (yes, to the man I was standing next to), you’re a pig, and YOU HAVE A FACE FOR RADIO!!! That isn’t a compliment, just so you know! And finally- there is no way in hell I will meet you in the back hall to “practice CPR” you F*ing jerk-wad pig!
Demo topic 3: Adorable but Need Benadryl…
The only benefit of having radio douchbag next door is that he brought a friend. Wild Yoder and his adorable bundle of growls, snarls, claws- Tiffany. Tiffany is a baby brown bear. She can slam back a bottle of formula faster them I think radio douchbag can slurp a cheeseburger or a drunk and a shot of whiskey, and she’s cute. Oh so cute! I admit, I fawned, I snapped pictures, I cooed… I went and grabbed the hottie photographer from the other end of the gym for a photo opportunity most never get.
After Tiffany’s bottle, she needed to run out a little energy, so Yoder took her out back in the hallway. I followed with camera in tow and snapped pictures like a fiend. She saw me, stomped up to me and curled up on the floor, latching her long, sharp claws around my forearm and nursed her way up to my elbow- suckling, purring, and kneading my skin like a cat. It was cute. I about peed myself with giddy excitement. I HAD A BABY BROWN BEAR NURSING ON MY ARM!!! Once in a lifetime much???? Once I realized it wasn’t just the excitement, I really had to pee- I headed away to do the task. I washed my hands and arm- Tiffany had less then great breath- and went back to our booth.
Ten minutes later- my skin was crawling. Where she’d dug her claws in my arm- was swollen and glowing red. Then it went deeper- my back, sides, chest, and all over my back were itchy red blotches much worse then hives. I held my cool, called my friend, and begged her to bring me Benadryl. After the longest ten minutes of my life- getting itchier and itchier, feeling wheezes in my chest, and trying to not let on to Hubby exactly how worried I was- my medication came. I downed two of them with half a can of Monster and waited. Twenty minutes later- the itch went away, along with the red splotches and I felt better. Drowsy but better. So now I know- I am allergic to Brown Bears. Good to know, right? Just in case I should ever find myself in the stark wilderness of Canada- I can tell the growling hungry brown bear drooling on me that I cannot cuddle him- I am allergic.