Sexy Back…

Practically everyone that reads this blog has no clue of what I’m about to explain. It’s about me, it’s deeply personal, and I’ve been idly trying to figure out in my head how exactly to go about sharing it with everyone. I hide what my inner most thoughts are, usually, especially about how I feel about myself. Sometimes it’s obvious, sometimes it come flying out in a burst of anger and sadness, like it did recently to Hubby late one night.

Over the course of the past six or so months, maybe more (most likely), I’ve been getting increasingly dark and twisty on the inside about how I look. I’d like to blame these rampant thoughts on something other then myself but, that would be unfair. If there was any circumstance on which to place blame somewhere else it would be due to the lack of natural sunshine and the incredibly cold crappy weather. Seasonal disorder that I haven’t been diagnosed for, except in my own small medical intellect.

This powerful amount of inner bashing has taken a toll on a few things in my life, like my self esteem and another deeply personal place between Hubby and I. I’d grown to hate looking in the mirror. I’d try to avoid it as much as possible. I hated looking at myself, hated how disgusting I’d gotten physically (my own thoughts, not anything anyone said, I assure you), I hated who I was and I didn’t know why. I was constantly unhappy with who I was in the mirror. I wished I was someone else. I felt that everyone looking at me, talking to me, was taking pity on me because I was such an unfortunate looking soul.

Until one night, Hubby insisted one explaining why I was silently lying there beside him in bed weeping. After fifteen minutes of insisting, I blurted it out. How I felt I was disgusting, ugly, pathetic. How I was sure he was miserable with me because of a lack of intimacy between us, my fault not his. And how I would completely understand if he wanted to find someone else better then me. I’d stay here to clean the house and be a live in maid if needs be. I was at rock bottom. I really was. I’d silently been contemplating seeking out professional advice, but then again- if I’d been hiding all these dark feelings from my husband, how in the hell was I going to talk to some head-shrinker?

After an hour of crying into his chest in bed that night, I woke up the next morning, feeling different. I could have been mistaken, but I could swear I was happy. From the inside out, I was happy. And dare I say it- even sexy feeling. It was like spilling my guts to Hubby the night before got me out of my own head enough to see that girl in the mirror wasn’t ugly after all. I stared at her, that girl in the mirror while I brushed my teeth, dabbed on face lotion… I watched that girl in the bedroom mirror as she got dressed after my shower. The girl in the mirror had exfoliated everything, scrubbing away the dull winter skin, slathered on lotion over her cleanly shaven legs… Sure, there’s some extra curves here and there, hair that could use a good dye job, a little extra jiggle in the trunk- but damn, she looked good in those blue jeans.

For the first time since probably November, I painted my toenails, flourescent hooker pink of course- and broke out the sexy 5 minute underwear for when Hubby got home that Friday evening. I finally had my sexy back. And thank god, it hasn’t gone away! I feel like myself again- without all the emotional hide and seek I’d been playing with myself.

I know not everyone likes what they see in the mirror 100% of the time, but I was down to 5% of the time liking what I saw in the mirror. I’m not perfect. I’m a 31 year old, fake red head, Dutch girl, with a figure to match. I admit I need to remind myself now and then that I am beautiful, in my own ways. Hubby loves me for me, who I am, what I look like, and he’s happy. He’s not going anywhere. I’m hard on myself, I know this. I just have to realize that while there has been a little winter weight (for insulation, right?) added onto my 5 foot 8 inch frame, it’ll go away with all the spring and summer outdoor work. I am a beautiful woman, and I think I’m up to realizing that about 85% of the time now.

I’m sleeping better lately, writing more, and finding a lot more reasons to look in the mirror… Thank-you Hubby!!! I love you more then I could ever explain!!! Thank-you for loving my less then perfect me!


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